Question:

When a woman fulfills all the rights and obligations of her husband according to the dictates of Sharī‘ah [Islāmic Law], seeks husband’s permission before doing anything, even a household chore, rendering every possible minutest service to her husband with her own hands besides rearing up his children, then should she not feel herself entitled to an acknowledgment from her husband, even just by way of a formality? When he is counselled to behave thankfully, there comes the retort that she has simply performed her duty and nothing beyond, and that it was not a favour to him. In the event of her sickness, she has to remind several times for getting medicine and that too is done with a smug. Under this stress if a woman loses temper and says, “it would be preferable for me to live on my own earnings,” but she has not left her home and has not severed relations, shall it affect the wed-lock [nikāĥ] in any way. Or, if she says to the husband for the sake of his correction, “if you are not happy with me, forsake me”. But really she did not mean it?

Answer:

The question carries two aspects for consideration. One pertains to the basic principles of Islāmic society and Islāmic ethics and the other concerns the Islāmic law of divorce. The Holy Qur’ān has described the relations between wife and husband in the Islāmic system as those of affection, blessings and delight of heart. Along with the feelings of love, sacrifice, selflessness and care, an important one is that of the sense of gratitude. The Holy Qur’ān has reckoned thankfulness as the basis for the link between the mankind and the Merciful Creator. Therefore, it has been ordained, “if you are grateful, I will add more (favours) unto you: But if you show ingratitude, truly My punishment is terrible indeed.” [al-Qur’ān 14:7]

What a husband undertakes and accepts at the time of wedding, in the presence of witnesses, is not merely taking the bride into his wedlock through a lawful [ĥalāl] procedure, but he undertakes to fulfill all the responsibilities and duties that the Sharī‘ah has made incumbent upon him. It comprises not only the full maintenance cost and other privileges but also paramount importance is given to mutual love and respect. Similarly, what a woman covenants at the time of wedlock is that she shall protect the belongings and the bed of her husband and shall bring up his children according to Islāmic teachings and traditions. Nowhere it includes daily chores like kitchen service and household maintenance, cleaning, dusting etc.

How can it be justified that a wife must remain busy all the time, day and night, in preparing meals, cleaning and dusting the house, laundering the clothes of the whole family, even the socks of the husband? Ironically all this labour is taken for granted as if it was her natural duty and that there is nothing beyond. Islam does not treat her as being created to serve the needs and requirements of her husband. Islam, indeed, treats her as a complete human being, in her own right. Contrary to the mistaken notion, it does not bind her alone but also her husband to fulfill her conjugal rights and satisfy her sexual desires.

In fact the conjugal relation is the only responsibility that has been made incumbent by the Sharī‘ah upon a wife. Beyond that all responsibilities carry the status of favour and sacrifice. It, therefore, becomes obligatory for a husband to pay it back with thankfulness. If a woman does household chores, in addition to satisfying her husbands conjugal needs, with a sense of well wishing, then she is saving him a considerable administrative and economic burden, who, in turn, should feel indebted to her because: Is there any reward for good other than good? [55:68]

It is even below human dignity that only the wife should be thankful for every act and every word of the husband but he would continue to behave thanklessly. In the light of the Qur’ānic injunction “And live with them on the footing of kindness and equity” [4:19], husband’s demeanor towards his wife can only be that of kindness, politeness and thankfulness.

A well-known quote from the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) goes – good among you are those who are good to their womenfolk.

The next point in the question concern the Islāmic system of divorce and khula‘ (separation demanded by wife). While Islam provides for the institution of divorce for the husband, it allows the right of khula‘ to the wife. If a woman having the intention to secure divorce urges upon the husband with such words that overtly or covertly hint towards demanding divorce, it is, in terms of Sharī‘ah, like a divorce. Khula‘ has to be settled properly between the spouses with the help of family elders, or through the court of law. Islāmic Sharī‘ah lays much stress upon the honour and dignity of the family. Therefore, Islam does not allow such a matter to be handled in a non-serious manner. The divorce and khula‘ are matters of serious nature and should not be taken as a joke, nor should they be used as a vehicle for expressing anger.

If one utters words like ‘it would be better if I live on my own earnings’ when under the pressure of house jobs and without any intention or mind, these would be in the nature of an expletive expression. However, their use should be avoided.

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